I had the opportunity to ride with the Bikerag guys this week. I used to ride with them just about every week, but due to schedules I just have not been able to meet up with them. They are fast, very fast riders. I have never truly been in front on that group, it has always been a struggle to keep up. I don't mind a struggle, its good to push yourself. On this week's ride I did ok, I was very definitely last in line and the other two guys had to wait for me at intersections.
As I was pushing to keep up I had this simple thought go through my head "why?". Why am I pushing myself like this? I really enjoy riding, but do I need to push this hard, ever? I think I've lost some of that edge, that desire to ride at my upper limit. I am in pretty good shape right now, so its not a matter of being slow because I'm carrying extra weight or not riding. Maybe I'm gaining wisdom. HA!
I am going to push myself to go out on a few more Bikerag rides to investigate this further. I want to know if this was just a fleeting thought or if I'm really done with riding super fast. Time will tell I guess.
This kind of brings me to another moment of thought in band the last few practices. I really enjoy singing knowing full well I am not a good singer. I've noticed that the more I focus on my concerns around not being very good the worse my singing gets, its a vicious cycle. In those moments when I'm just playing and singing not thinking about anything, and in the moment, my singing is not that bad. We've been doing some recording and scrutinizing my playing and singing over and over probably is not doing me any favors.
I guess a long winded way of saying you are who you think you are, the trick is in understanding who you think you are. Its so easy to allow negative thoughts to define you.
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